The opposite of depression isn’t happiness. Happiness is fleeting. No, the opposite of depression is hope.
And that is what I have none of at the moment.
I once was sharp. I am blunt.
I once was fast. I am slow.
I once was healthy….
but I am no more.
When one sees nothing but darkness, no light at any corner, one begins to despair. But despair is fleeting. Beyond despair lies apathy. Apathy is the domination of hope. What you feel at that point is like looking into a pit that seeming both never ends, and has no light. And it is only within apathy that you jump into that abyss. It is only in apathy where time has no meaning for what is time when there is no hope? What is a minute when nothing will matter in an hour, and what is an hour when nothing will matter in a day. And infinitely it recurs.
I feel nothing but failure. This is despair. But it goes one step further. I am no longer Sisyphus. I no longer push the boulder forward for I have no hope. Even in his situation of perfect despair Sisyphus still pushed the rock. He pushed and pushed and the boulder never ascended over his hill. And that is despair. Despair is still attempting the ascent full well knowing that every previous attempt has ended in failure.
I am Sisyphus reborn. I am Sisyphus The Apathetic. I have lost what made the story of Sisyphus a story and I have replaced it with an obituary. Because apathy is like an obituary in a sense. Apathy concedes. Even in life apathy concedes, that is, even when the ball is in his favor according to others, apathy concedes.
I have gone through this before. Anecdotal evidence shows that I will return to a more normative pattern.
And yet in this state, I am apathetic even towards the end of apathy.