The Nature of the Beast

I am in a bad place right now.

I think writing some of this out will help me process, as writing tends to do.

Every rope becomes a noose and every knife because the last knife I’ll ever need.

It’s kind of funny how psychiatrists and psychologists will ask you whether you have a plan of how you would commit suicide… even when you’ve been living with a mood disorder for years.

It’s kind of like…

“Yes, I’ve had 5 years to develop plans. It’s impossible for me to say ‘no, I don’t have a plan of action for committing suicide” when I’ve been suicidal from time to time.

Every anxiety is hitting me, and I’m absorbing anxiety of others.

Sometimes there seems no way out but death.

But it doesn’t really qualify as a “way out” in that it won’t have any ability to change the situation. If there is no afterlife than death is extinction. So it’s not so much “I’d be happier dead” as “There’s nothing in this world for me, therefore I should commit myself to the grave.” Or rather commit myself to be in the grave.

Writing helps me process.



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4 thoughts on “The Nature of the Beast

  1. Hi.. I hear you. It;s hard. Hope you are ok… can I help? Maybe you just needed to put that there and I get that too… I have wondered the same thing about that question. How can you say no.. when you know you have or do? yet to us, it seems like a normal companion..while to those who don;t know, it is a call to raise the alarm…
    I don;t know if you are needing anything right now.. but if you do..please ask, please don;t suffer alone.. I have been so tired.. sometimes it is just the comfort of the could if I wanted to…
    April is a hard month for me, I dont ever know even being aware how to stop it… have seen it among others. Anyways, you are not alone friend. Lizzie

  2. retry4z says:

    Hey man, it must be a very bad place if you’re thinking of suicide. Hold on to whatever hope you can.

  3. The Hobbler says:

    Writing is a great way to process things, and I know what it is like to feel pointless, but you can use your writing to help others sometimes. Sometimes that seems like a wasted excercise too though, but it isn’t really. I had a friend recently be thinking along these same lines, and here is a post I wrote about my feelings toward her and the whole suicide thing: Hers was more of a lonliness issue, but anyway, if you ever want to “talk” on WP or twitter, feel free to let me know. I like to talk too much I think.

  4. Thank you all, I really appreciate that you replied to this post.

    Thankfully that mood was much more temporary than I thought it might be.

    Unfortunately I think my moods are swinging back and forth very fast so I may be in and out of this state.

    But, just so you all know, I truly appreciate your concern, and am feeling much better at moment.

    LOL, I thought to say “I’m still hanging in there” and then realized the double entendre 😛

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