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Confronting Delusions

bi[polar] curious

The older I get, the more acutely I’m aware that my mind creates fictional situations and relationships all on its own. Once I started paying more attention to this process, I realized that this issue seems to come from my mind jumping to conclusions after stumbling upon something my mind considers to be a clue.

Here is a very simplified example.

I call my boyfriend.

Clue: he doesn’t answer.

Delusion: he is dead.

I’ve gotten better at spotting these irrational conclusions in simple situations (like the one above) but in the cases of hardcore delusions (like the one 16 months ago where I was certain my boss was trying to get me fired and sabotage the company we worked for) my delusions are made of a series of clues, usually all taken out of context, coupled with subsequent bad-conclusion-jumping.

It seems that in these situations, anything I read, anything…

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Tardive Dyskinesia

Some of you probably know what this is.

I may be developing/have developed this.

For those who aren’t familiar, tardive is a potentially permanent side effect of antipsychotics. Presents as minor mouth tics, muscle tension and generally feeling physically uncomfortable. It’s on wikipedia, you can look it up if you’re interested.

Anyway, I’m apathetic now. I just am so used to shit hitting the fan I don’t care that it’s raining shit.

I hope any of you reading this will never run into this condition. It’s a nasty bit. And any of you who have switched antipsychotics know that the process can be very, very harsh.

Good luck,


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The Nature of the Beast

I am in a bad place right now.

I think writing some of this out will help me process, as writing tends to do.

Every rope becomes a noose and every knife because the last knife I’ll ever need.

It’s kind of funny how psychiatrists and psychologists will ask you whether you have a plan of how you would commit suicide… even when you’ve been living with a mood disorder for years.

It’s kind of like…

“Yes, I’ve had 5 years to develop plans. It’s impossible for me to say ‘no, I don’t have a plan of action for committing suicide” when I’ve been suicidal from time to time.

Every anxiety is hitting me, and I’m absorbing anxiety of others.

Sometimes there seems no way out but death.

But it doesn’t really qualify as a “way out” in that it won’t have any ability to change the situation. If there is no afterlife than death is extinction. So it’s not so much “I’d be happier dead” as “There’s nothing in this world for me, therefore I should commit myself to the grave.” Or rather commit myself to be in the grave.

Writing helps me process.



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Bully and Understanding Suicide

Can we get this straight for once?

Suicide is not some simple activity that people do when they’re in a shitty situation

To say bullied kids commit suicide SOLELY BECAUSE OF the bully is garbage. It takes more than that.

It takes an environment, a total darkness that seems impenetrable.

For bullied kids this environment consists not only of bullies, but those who allow it to take place, the complete lack of support, a sense of alienation, and sometimes a mental predisposition toward some mental illness such as depression.

So what support are we giving to bullied kids? What are we doing at our schools to promote an environment that discourages bullying?

And I do not mean to take the position that we should arrest bullies and send them to jail. Recidivism rates are such that this not only makes no sense but may be worse for the child in question.

So let us please respect the dead enough to say that it was not just getting bullied.

Looking into podcast venues

I will be attempting a podcast soon. I’m also looking at live podcasts with live call in, although at present I don’t think anyone will call.

The first podcast will be on medication and its effects, side effects, and meaning.