Tag Archives: Suicide

The Nature of the Beast

I am in a bad place right now.

I think writing some of this out will help me process, as writing tends to do.

Every rope becomes a noose and every knife because the last knife I’ll ever need.

It’s kind of funny how psychiatrists and psychologists will ask you whether you have a plan of how you would commit suicide… even when you’ve been living with a mood disorder for years.

It’s kind of like…

“Yes, I’ve had 5 years to develop plans. It’s impossible for me to say ‘no, I don’t have a plan of action for committing suicide” when I’ve been suicidal from time to time.

Every anxiety is hitting me, and I’m absorbing anxiety of others.

Sometimes there seems no way out but death.

But it doesn’t really qualify as a “way out” in that it won’t have any ability to change the situation. If there is no afterlife than death is extinction. So it’s not so much “I’d be happier dead” as “There’s nothing in this world for me, therefore I should commit myself to the grave.” Or rather commit myself to be in the grave.

Writing helps me process.



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Misunderstanding Suicide

I recently heard about the verdict involving the student Dharun Ravi and the suicide of Tyler Clementi.

I will not here discuss the sentence of Dharun, this is outside the scope of my blog.

However suicide is not.

I don’t want people to cheapen suicide. And I feel that some people are by attempting to show a unitary cause-effect relationship between the invasion of privacy and his suicide.

I do not claim to know the mind of Tyler Clementi, and sadly his mind has left the communion of minds that is this world.

So I will speak from my own experience and make a suggestion.

I never attempted suicide in the strong sense, though it was constantly on my mind during the worst dredges of my severe depressed phase before being hospitalized.

My suicidal state was not a unitary cause-effect. It was the accumulation of world that I, like unto Atlas, carried upon my back. A singular world view of self-hatred and despair becoming massive and coming near the point of complete exhaustion.

And that point of complete exhaustion is suicide. The point at which I can no longer hold my world is suicide. Understand that at this point I believed that Hell was the end after death, that death was not really an escape. When the heat and stench of fire and brimstone engulf your being and yet this is preferred to the state of affairs, or when total annihilation of being is preferred we cannot be so naive as to proclaim a unitary cause-effect. Some people misunderstand it as “release”. It isn’t release. It’s extinction or worse. And yet living seems far beyond the “worse”…

To my compatriots in the depths of depression, press on, and receive the help of others if you can, you do not have to carry this alone. To my homosexual compatriots I say the same, and also say that you are not broken in your being, despite what some may say, that in fact your expression, understanding, and acceptance of your sexuality is indicative of the coherence of your being. You are you.

I wish the best for those who knew and weep for Mr. Clementi. In the great congress of minds we have lost a member, and this loss should be communally felt.

Be well,


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Understanding Suicidal Thoughts

I think when some people hear that some schizophrenics hear voices they think to themselves, “Well, just remind yourself they’re not real, it’s voices coming from nowhere.

The same can be said for clinically paranoid individuals, people will think “Well, if he just thought about it rationally he’d see he was just being paranoid”

But that’s the trouble with schizophrenic hallucinations and paranoid ideation.

They don’t know it’s not real, nor would they question it.

I will make a comparison with clinical depression and suicidal thoughts, since I’m far more familiar with it than schizophrenia.

There’s an idea that floats around that the clinically depressed just need to “snap out of it”.

But that’s the thing….

We don’t see abnormality in ourselves

The clinically depressed individual does not see themselves as having an illness or having an abnormal condition.We truly believe that we are a piece of shit. We truly believe that the world would be better without us. At least, when we’re symptomatic we do.

And that’s the problem with suicidal thoughts.

I think there’s an ambient idea that suicide is selfish. Nothing could be further from the truth. Others might call it cowardice. This is also a false characterization.

We all have a limit to what we can handle. The human mind copes with extreme depression until it can no longer cope. In that way it’s like a terminal disease. The body fights and fights and fights but eventually can no longer fight and the individual succumbs to death.

People may say that the suicidal individual is just thinking of themselves. Is the cancer patient just thinking of himself when his body gives out? No, and most would agree that someone who accused the cancer stricken individual of selfishness is not thinking straight.

Think of a man trying to lift a barbell off a friend’s chest in a serious gym accident. Is it selfish if they cannot pick up the weight? No. There are some weights that a person simply cannot lift.

There are some emotional weights

that cannot be lifted

and suicide is the expression of the weight of black and cold agony coming to a place where they can no longer lift it. We should never accuse a suicidal individual of selfishness. We should mourn the individual as we would a cancer patient who passed away.

But that thought is unthinkable…

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